the beautiful letdown

i'm hearing talk of things that i used to think adults would only say... that adults would only talk about. then it hit me, like a ton of bricks, that we were adults. we're the people that we used to make fun of, the people we pretended to be in fun and games. we're journalists, we're accountants, we're scientists, we're dreamers, believers. time moved so fast, even though it seemed to go on at a crawl.

when did we all grow up all of a sudden?

( the future is a question mark of kerosene and electric sparks )

you know how life's like fucking awesome at one point and then really shitty the next? right. i'm beating myself up over a couple hundred pixels that i will never possibly ever get to meet ever in my entire life. and the thing is? i took in all that crap, and it almost is a part of me, even if it's only been for a week. and ... what are we now? are we stranded, are we floating in a pool of "what ifs" and "what abouts" and "what fors"? are we gone? are we?

smile, like you mean it.

ten days ago, i was miserable. fast forward ten days later, and i'm still a wet dishrag, but for entirely different reasons-- similar, yes, but different. at the risk of sounding like a bad romance novela, how many ways can your heart be toyed with and tortured? i've been through a lot, and i've got more to learn, but it was more than i could handle.

i haven't been blogging lately, and i apologize-- i have been forgetting about things that used to make me feel whole, but as of late even the littlest things like writing make me feel guarded. one word, and it could rub a person the wrong way, if you know what i mean, and i don't want to take risks. sometimes silence trumps words.

i wish for this to end. and then maybe, just maybe, i'll feel a little better.

indefinite.

we are all teetering on thin planks between sky-high buildings, praying that what's been supporting us up won't snap under the weight.

but what if it does? ever wonder if you'd grow wings if you fell by chance? or would you fall splat on the asphalt down below, a bloody pile of skin and bones?

but i'm trying not to think right now. all i want to do is get over to the other side, and get the fear done and over with.

i'll take a deep breath and jump in.

talking to some people today made me feel so much better about life and everything concerning it. i've sussed out some problems and what to do with and about them, and it feels amazing that a weight so heavy has somewhat become a lighter burden. the weight's still there, but i'm sure it'll slowly come off.

we are crooked souls trying to stay up straight, dry eyes in the pouring rain, the shadow proves the sunshine

this line is what is fuelling me now. after moments of being in shadow, you'll just know that the sunshine is soon to come again :) it's just a matter of patience. and strength.

my mother thinks that going to the temple again after eight to nine months (because she made me) has changed me. maybe it has. maybe it's time to start believing in religion again. maybe it's time to start having faith and belief in myself. maybe i never did stop.

i can't wait for what's to come.

the girl was at a crossroads, and unsure back then, she did not know which path to take. certain now, she smiled, held her head up high, and went straight ahead.

i originally wrote a whole other post that was so emo it didn't even need eyeliner, but i decided to backspace it alllll and make it disappear forever!

enough with the moping, though it's something that's still niggling at my brain and forcing me to think about it all the time, but i kind of have to forcibly shove the thoughts to the back of my head and Think Happy Thoughts because those thoughts aren't worth my time. people have choices. whether or not they do certain things is up to them, and me, i'm a different individual. i can't make them be how i want them to be. i can't make them the them i see, the them i know, even though they've changed and i just want to set them "right" again. it hurts, yes. it hurts. but i've got to move on and accept that life is this way.

you've got to give chances and take them, even the "wrong" ones.

i'm beginning to see the light again. brief moments of darkness like this one, i encounter often, sad to say, but they always pass soon enough. i'm glad :)

**


this is my Ragnarok Online character! she's a Priest, and she's basically my main (for now) till i perfect the art of the Assassin Cross. :D heh. she's in her "pretty" gear right now, which are the items and headgear i usually use when i'm not fighting or at war. people usually underestimate Priests, because they don't deal much PvP attack, so they don't really aim for me in War Of Emperiums, which is fine by me, because then i can unleash unsuspecting skills like lowering their agility and casting Aspersio on them. heh. underestimate me again, fools. :D

i've got a girlcrush. on someone Australian :/ bleargh it's the Ozzie accent, i tell you. i fall for that every time. tell you who later because it's sort of relevant to another post i'm writing!

okay, i couldn't stand it any more. PERSON UNDER CUT.

( click me! aka. persuasive cut is always persuasive... )

\o/ lulz. moar tv tomorrow. sleep now. good night :3

i dreamt that i was floating. floating, floating, floating down to the ground, laughing, entangled in parashoot strings, your arms safely around my waist. we stumbled carelessly over to a vacant stone bench in the corner, and i remember i was dizzy and woozy, and you made me lean on your arm. and then i was falling.

i don't think anyone can ever break down my walls like you did.

yet, you only exist in a dream :(

funny how one can blindly tread into complicated, murky waters. at every corner is a shark, waiting to devour her. behind her, a school of piranhas lie in wait, ready to attack once she loses her bearings.

she only wishes for a way out.

i'm sick of being taken for granted.

and since when do you ever do anything but that?

i can't sleep. the rest of the house is deathly silent except for the strangely comforting whirr of the ceiling fan above me and the familiar low buzzing in my ear.

the ice cream in the fridge is calling to me, subtly but surely, and in about ten minutes i am sure that i will make my way down to the storeroom and pull out the little pint of Rum and Raisin from the freezer and a metal spoon, fuck the guilty feelings and the extra weight that is sure to follow. i only wish that there was a new episode of 90210 for me to download and watch so that i can immerse myself in the imaginary world of the rich and famous and watch their problems unfold without thinking of mine.

i can't hear the motorcycle snores from my father's room tonight. it worries me.

today i woke up in disbelief.

loneliness runs in my veins. rejection dwells in my heart. my head feels funny and everything i see is fuzzy and gray. my world is off its axis.

will you come set it right again?

*

i have an assignment to do today. here comes one of those all-too familiar nights of craning over the computer, squinting at the screen in the dark and cramped necks.

*

Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall.

my heart tells me one thing, while my brain tells me another. always follow your heart, they say, but it isn't easy. it never is. i just hope i can pull myself out of this mess, even if i have to do it alone, or even if things don't turn out right in the end. i'm willing to lose this. lose the wall we built up, brick by brick. only if you want me to.

i know i'm losing you, and it fucking sucks. but what can i do? who am i to tell you what is right? who am i to tell you who to listen to? i may not follow my heart, but follow yours and do what you think is best. please. before i crumble any further.

are you happy today?



edit: that game of iSketch with wolfparades, opposites and thedonutgirl cheered me up immensely. wordgames make me happy -- and so does company! :*

i'm going to go to bed. i have two lectures in the morning, then a meeting, and then a tutorial class! my timetable tomorrow's like a freight train -- barreling on and on and on. sigh. i predict a caffeine overdose in the near future.

well, good night!

sugarcoated words don't cut it, honey.

get unique.

you know, i just had a good long think, and i think, i think that things are going to work out fine. i should stop worrying about stuff all the time and just live and see where this takes me.

i kind of feel like Pocahontas right now. only without a Grandmother Willow, and tree trunks for thighs.

i'll make it. i will, despite the challenges that i will have to face and knowing that many blogposts full of angst and self-pity like the previous one are sure to follow.

just for the record, this whole thing?

it's not about anyone. it's about me.

**

i downloaded all the latest episodes of the fourth season of Bones- (thankyouthankyouthankyou, ihearttvshows, you're a LIFESAVER) and i spent most of my time today watching them in pure unadulterated bliss.

i must say, the only thing that bothers me about the fourth season is that that there's always a new intern in every episode. why can't they just hire someone and make him (another) permanent fixture on the show? or somehow, bring Eric Millegan's character back, and magically declare him sane, rid him of all criminal charges and return him to the lab? Hodgins needs someone to sqwawk King Of The Lab with :(

despite the fact that my favorite character in the show used to be Zack because of his awkwardness that i find strangely attractive, another character now has my heart.

Dr. Lance Sweets! (aka. John Francis Daley. whose name is my MSN nickname right now.)



before this, i always thought the name "Lance" was one of the gayest boy names i've ever heard, but John Francis Daley just turns that around. sure, he may not be big and burly and intimidating like Booth, but there's just this something about him that makes me want to sit and watch him spew all that psychological stuff all day, and i wouldn't even mind one bit. :)

here's a little self-directed skit that he's in (playing himself):



the beginning!!! yum.

**

i'm kind of excited for things to happen. :)

the most of every day
is for the tired excuses
but it's too hard to say;
i wish it were simple...
but we give up easily
you're close enough to see that you're on the other side of the world...
to me.

i don't know what to do.

Idol just only finished last week and i feel so... deprived, knowing that i would have nothing to obsess over, nothing to do tomorrow, except prepare for the oncoming slew of assignments and presentations (yikes).

ugh. i dread to actually start prepping for them. some kind of eager university student I am, huh? it's funny, because i love what i'm doing currently, save for a few subjects (two out of two, in actual fact). i love that we're FINALLY moving on to subjects like Introduction To Journalism and Communication, Rhetoric & Reasoning (which is my favorite subject out of the lot), and not sticking to boring, run-of-the-mill, useless subjects like Human Communication and Social Psychology (which does sound interesting at first, but add in all the theories that deem pretty useless to a future Journalism student, and you get boredom as a result).

Communication, Rhetoric & Reasoning, for example, is taught by one of the best lecturers that a student could ever get; Miss Natasha. she's young, she's trendy, she's funny, and yet she's wise and experienced. most of all, she understands what being a student is like. she knows how to knock us all into shape, how to liven up a lecture, how to make us focus and understand. i think that's what's really really important, as a lecturer. the other lecturers, except possibly Mr. Indy, can't measure up to her.

for the last lecture, she made us make up a performance/play and prepare for it in only fifteen minutes, because she said there were misunderstandings between students and she wouldn't have any of it. sure, we all were stuck on what to do, but we all came through in the end. how effing awesome is that? and we actually made new friends and strengthened bonds out of the exercise. and I repeat, how effing awesome is that?

i finally started talking to Harmini, who had intimidated me all this while. i still feel uncomfortable around her, though. i normally don't converse with her type, if you understand what i mean. the popular type.

*sigh* i'm so jumbled. we'll see how things play out, i guess.

i'm merely in my holiday mood now. the hols are coming real soon - in three weeks or so, and then i'm free for about a month plus. and yes, i can't effing wait. i'm going to my third concert this year next Saturday - The Click Five live in Genting, and I can't wait to see the boys for a third time. hopefully i'll get to meet Ben this time. he's one of my heroes, ever, despite him ignoring us Asian fans sometimes.

lastly. i keep thinking about Jared Leto, and how he's coming here for the MTV Asia Awards. buhhhhhh i hope i'll find a way to get those tickets. :( what if Panic really does perform? i will never forgive myself. i want to meet Brendon, and Ryan, and Jon, and Spencer so, so, so, badly. <3

meh. i hope i do.

*sigh*

i better get started on my assignments now, then.

mou. :( i'm lazy.

I don't know if I can carry on with this daily/monthly routine.

It's funny, really.

I'm usually someone that barely accepts change. I order the same drink and the same dish every time I step into the regular old coffee shop in college. I always shop at the same places. I buy and wear nothing but tops and jeans, and when i'm feeling out of it, I sometimes buy a dress *shockhorrorgasp* Yes. A dress. But that's barely the point.

The point is, I CAN'T STAND ROUTINES.

I can't stand having to do the same thing week after week after week.

It's always university-computer-sleep-wakeup-university-computer-sleep. Is this all life as a seventeen year old is?

I want something different, as selfish as it sounds.

I want adventure. I want change. I want to feel what I've never felt before.

A trip to Redang one day, a flight to Bali the next. Running barefoot down the beach, sleeping under the stars.

Bring it on. I'm waiting.